Some of the hardest but most magical moments in an art practice arise after you’ve done something you don’t like. I’ve learned that I might learn something if I refrain from immediately obliterating what I think is ugly or wrong. And the process might lead me somewhere much better than the place I imagined I wanted to go.
After I finished wrestling with Lucito’s bow tie, I had a brief, enjoyable session working on his eye. Then I collided with the background. I added some paper around the edges, scraped paint over parts of it, tore other parts away. It was asking me to go IN there and make marks all over it but again I resisted. I knew I didn’t want to lose the bold, bright quadrants. But I felt persistently drawn to a light aqua blue that I love. I dabbed it onto the beak, added some to his bow tie and wings, and delicately touched it to the edges of the painting.
Making something ugly won’t kill you
Suddenly, my hand insisted on making several large splotches over the orange quadrant, which was quickly followed by an “Oh, shit” moment in which I realized that what I really wanted to do was paint those smatterings of sky across the entire background. So I went ahead and did it. And I loved doing it but I hated how the marks looked — like weird blue bandages. My impulse was to get rid of them right away. But see above. I waited.
First, I was reminded that making something ugly won’t kill me, nor will I die if I walk away from what I’ve done long enough to let the paint dry. Then, I had a chance to think about what I really meant when I say “there’s no going back.” It’s a statement of courage. A single act– for example, painting over something — can move you backward or forward, depending on the energy with which you do it.
The energy of regression: wanting to cover, to fix, to hide (fear, impatience)
The energy of going forward: curiosity, excitement, expansion, aliveness
We can try to convince ourselves otherwise, but there’s always that small voice inside that knows which way we’re going.
